DEAR DIARY

This morning I woke up energized and I don’t like it. The bitch has decided to start working out like a freak at the gym and I am trying to fight off the positive effects by purposefully retaining water and causing her a great deal of pain. She is now on the couch passed out from the side effects of pain killers and I finally have time to myself before I hit the pipe. Normally, I would go straight to the pipe and take up residence on the corner with my shank in hand and a beer in the other, but there are a couple of things that I need to get off my chest.

Let’s start out with the Twilight saga. I am not interested and could care less whether someone digs them or not, but it’s the “stars” of the movies that really grind my gears (props Family Guy). In order to properly get my point across I should use quotes from the actual stars and then comment, but I just don’t really care. Anyone of you can Google their names and find out for yourselves. Hey dumbasses, stop your complaining! In order to support my pipe habit I have to work on the streets, you have to make a movie and get paid millions of dollars and the drugs are free!

Sure, the paparazzi are ridiculous, but get over it. If you just want to be an actor, be an actor that constantly books jobs and stays out of the press, they do exist. If you want to be a movie star, this is the cost. Don’t audition for lead roles in movies based on books popular with juvenile delinquents and crazy adults. The fact is the press is still going to be around after you’re gone, there are always going to be critics, and there are always going to be crazy tabloids. The kicker is that your fans, the ones that made you famous are the ones that keep you in the tabloids. Enjoy the comps, the parties, the adoration, and the money, because based on what I’ve seen from the trailers you won’t be the next Angelina Jolie or Will Smith.

Finally, a short word on text forwards. It’s bad enough that I get 20 email (theangryuterus@gmail.com) forwards a day from several people, but now that bitch gets them on her phone. STOP IT!!!!! She hasn’t sent anything on in the past month and nothing bad has happened. To the smartass that invented those, I am looking for you, and when I find you, I will shank you. I have more to say, but the days are getting shorter and mama needs to make a living.